How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
