Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I don't deserve a penis
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I have fence marks all over my body
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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