Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We have so much sex to catch up on
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
