just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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