At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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