I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
