He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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