i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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