Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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