hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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