If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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