But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
