I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
sex in a hospital.. check
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
