Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
