while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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