Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Sober January is a disaster.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
