there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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