my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
