I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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