my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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