I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
