Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
