I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
