she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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