my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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