Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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