awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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