my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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