you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
