Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
