dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I have a pirate flag
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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