Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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