He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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