Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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