You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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