Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.