I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed