i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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