u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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