I heard we made out
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
this hospital has no fireball
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
