I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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