ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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