I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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