I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Farmville is her only friend.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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