don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dude i'm inner monologue high
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
