So drunk its hurt
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
