New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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