we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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