is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
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I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
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What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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