Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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