I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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