You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
