when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
