My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
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well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
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Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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