i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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