It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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